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’Til Death Do Us Part

In the last few years of my marriage before we got divorced, I started wishing that my husband would die.

If that isn’t a sign that something’s wrong, I don’t know what is.

I’m not a horrible person. Really. Even though that statement must paint me in a very dark light.

He didn’t beat me. He wasn’t physically abusive in any way. However, there were other aspects of my marriage that made it unbearable.

Looking back, I can see that I was looking for an easy way out. An easy but absolutely awful way out.

Of course I didn’t actually want him to die. He’s a relatively good person, and he’s the father of my kids. He loves them, and they love him.

Truthfully, I had no idea at the time just how unhappy I was.

When things were bad, I would think to myself that I wish he would die. Then I could still love him. I could mourn him and move on. If he died, I could eventually find a relationship with someone else - all without having to face the harsh truth that our marriage was no longer something that made me happy. I was miserable but not yet ready to accept that truth.

Wishing that someone were dead is never a good thing and always and indication that something is wrong. In my head I knew that. In my heart, however, I couldn’t let go, and it took me almost a year to recognize the truth about what was happening in my marriage.

If you’ve had these kinds of thoughts, please know that you’re not alone. You’re not a bad person.

However, pay attention to what your gut is telling you. If you’re having these kinds of thoughts, you’re not happy. It’s time to start getting honest with yourself and start looking for a way to rediscover happiness in your life.


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