I’ve always loved parties. Especially costume parties. And on this Day of the Dead, I was looking forward to throwing the bash of the century - or at least the bash of the month.
I was looking particularly sexy in my costume, and with my recent weight loss, I was looking fine and proud of it. What I wasn’t, however, was accustomed to drinking. I’d abstained from drinking for the past few months as part of my weight loss effort, and I hadn’t accounted for that fact when I planned the evening.
Always the party host, I prepared for days, and on the day of the party I cooked and decorated all day. What I didn’t do, however, was eat.
So, come party time, I was famished but too hopped up with excitement to notice. Instead of eating, I started drinking. Not heavily, but the drinks were party-themed and strong. It only took a few, and I was fairly well snockered.
At some point, the booze won out. I remember most everything up until the end of the party when only a few people remained. What I don’t remember is what I found out a few days later.
Apparently, my husband had walked into the living room to find me kissing one of the male party guests.
This is not something I do, nor is this something I consider acceptable. I’m a one-man kind of woman, and I expect the same thing from my husband.
I clearly remember this guest hitting on several other women (single and married) at the party. I vaguely remember him coming up behind me and making a move. What I don’t remember is how that move resulted in a kiss.
After working through my guilt, remorse, and utter mortification at something like this happening, I started to examine it more closely. A few things struck me as strange.
First, when my husband told me about it, it was as if it wasn’t a big deal. He said he knew I wasn’t trying to hurt him so it was okay.
Well, not to me it wasn’t.
As I followed his thought process - if it was okay for me to kiss another man assuming I’m not doing it to hurt him, is it okay for him to do the same? Is that the kind of marriage he thinks is acceptable?
Second, why didn’t my husband stop it when he saw it happening? I was inebriated. Although I shouldn’t have been, I was. So, I was drunk, and to my way of thinking this guest in our home was taking advantage of my state. Apparently I was a willing participant, but if someone is drunk, is that person truly a willing participant in actions of this nature? Actions that so go against the core of the person in question? Why wouldn’t my husband 1) want to protect me, and 2) want to stop another man from kissing me?
Finally, why (even in a drunken state) would I willingly kiss another man?
At the time, I was unwilling to accept the truth - that I was unhappy.
My husband rarely had sex with me. When we did have sex, there was no effort to make it pleasurable for me. He didn’t even kiss me anymore except for those chaste pecks that would be fitting for a brother.
My inebriation lowered my inhibitions and allowed me to return the seductive advances I had so desperately craved from my husband for several years.
Is that justification for my actions? Absolutely not. However, looking back, I can see that it was a huge red flag that I chose to ignore. My drunk self was telling my sober self, “Wake up! You’re unfulfilled. You’re not happy.”
Instead of recognizing this as the sign that it was, I begged for forgiveness, hated myself just a bit more and more every day for what I had done, and buried myself in a pit of shame.
If you find yourself acting in ways that are completely out of alignment with your character, it is likely an indication that you need to take a closer look at what’s happening in your life and where you’re not listening to your gut.
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