When this started to happen, I'd been with my husband for about 20 years. I was the thinnest I'd been in a long time, and I was working hard to stay "fit and sexy" for him. Maybe that was one of my big mistakes - I was doing it for him and not for myself.
My husband hadn't had sex with me in 10 months.
Believe me, it wasn't for my lack of trying. I'd done everything I could to seduce him, and a handful of times I'd succeeded in at least being able to pleasure him.
I thought if I kept making myself thinner, sexier, prettier...maybe things would change.
Then there was one week when he turned me down for sex three times. Three times in one week.
At that point, something in me just snapped. I started packing on the weight as if I was starving. Looking back, I can see that I was.
I wasn't starved for food, but I was starved for affection and love. Since I couldn't get the love, I reached for the food.
I ate and ate and ate. I would eat at night by myself in my bedroom (where he no longer slept). I'd order food secretly so he wouldn't know. I'd consume mounds of total crap every day all day.
I gained 40 pounds in 4 months.
Please understand - I 100% believe that women are beautiful at any weight. I know now more than ever that it's all about how you feel for yourself. This rate of weight gain, however, was extremely unhealthy. I was putting myself at risk with my behavior.
I was punishing myself. I was padding myself. I was reaching for anything and everything that might protect me from having to feel that rejection again. I no longer felt beautiful to myself, and I would no longer risk putting myself out there to be rejected.
I stopped asking for sex.
With every pound I gained, I lost more of myself. I fell further and further into a pit of despair of my own making. I didn't know how to get out - until I did.
Looking back, I can see that gaining weight was like a barrier of protection. My weight wasn't the problem. My marriage was.
Looking back, I can see that my weight gain was a symptom that something was wrong. It took me a while to look deeper and recognize the truth - that my marriage was toxic, and by trying to stay in it I was causing myself real harm.
The food I was eating padded me and protected me. It also helped me stay grounded because it was something I could control when my entire life seemed to be falling apart around me. Thankfully I recognized what was happening. I got out of my marriage, and I regained my health.
While weight gain isn't always symptomatic of some greater problem, if you're experiencing rapid weight gain that you find uncontrollable, you may want to consider exploring the reasons why.
Eating your relationship sorrows isn't the solution.
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